Let's Talk About Sex, Baby.

Today it's gonna get REALLY uncomfortable because we're gonna talk about

SEXUAL ASSAULT! 

In November of my freshman year of college, I went on a date with a funny, cute, very smart boy who was in my Women's Studies course. For our purposes today, we'll call him Ted. Ted was charming, he was a feminist, he always contributed in class in a way that made me feel heard and important. He was perfect. Or not. But he was close.

I should've known it was gonna be a bad date when instead of going to a sit-down restaurant, he took me to the drive thru of a famous local burger joint called Mama Burger. We ate burgers in the car as we drove to a trailer park near campus to hang out and play frisbee with his friends. Besides the fact that I really hate frisbee, I was fine with this. Ted laughed and played, and I sat with his friend's girlfriend and their dog and talked and laughed. All in all, we weren't having a totally awful time. We decided to head to his house to watch a movie, and, let's be honest, probably make out. He was cute! He was funny! I was barely 18, and I was gonna enjoy myself on a date with this dude!

When we got to his house, I was greeted by his very cheerful dog, and we turned on The Avengers. We started kissing a little, and when I said no thank you to taking things further, Ted didn't listen. I'll spare you the details, but Ted didn't respect my boundaries and took advantage of me in ways nobody wants to be taken advantage in. Before we start asking "Why didn't you stop him?" know that he was a lot bigger and stronger than I am. Hard to believe because I'm basically a body builder, but you know, whatever. 

After it was over, I asked him to take my home. He refused and started playing video games. I excused myself to the back yard to get some fresh air and texted my best friend in a panic, and she called her mom, who advised me to call the police. Right as I was dialing 911, Ted came outside and told me he was ready to take me home. A silent car ride and an awkward attempted goodnight kiss later (yes he tried to kiss me goodnight), I was back in my dorm. 

I didn't tell anyone at the time. A few months later I started seeing a counselor. I told him what happened, and he gave me some valuable techniques to deal with what I was feeling.

It wasn't until about a week ago when a friend of mine was sexually assaulted that I realised I had to speak up. I am a survivor of sexual assault. I have been to hell and back.

I don't tell you these things because I want you to feel bad for me. I tell you because the odds are, someone reading this has experienced sexual assault as well. Some of you may have been the same as me and not had the courage to tell anyone. Some of you may never have experienced this, and for that, I am grateful. But some of you have. And to those of you who have known the fear and pain and sadness that comes with it, know that you are not alone. There are other survivors right alongside you. We are here. It is not your fault. You are not damaged or broken.

Statistically

1/10 children will be sexually abused before they reach 18.

1/5 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.

1/71 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. 

Let's be the change. Let's slash those numbers to ribbons. If you or someone you know is committing sexual assault or has been the victim of sexual assault, speak up! 

If you have been the victim of sexual assault, you can reach out for help! Here are some numbers you can call:

Emergency Services: 911

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673

Or you can always call me if you just need to chat: 480-356-2121

In the mean time, stay safe. Remember that no means no. Someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot give consent. If you aren't sure if you have consent, play it safe. Be straight forward and ask the person you are with if they are comfortable with what is going on. If the answer is no, stop. If the answer is yes, go have some crazy, consensual fun.

Sources for the statistics on sexual assault:

http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.9314267/k.3928/Child_Sexual_Abuse_Statistics.htm

http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf

It's about time.

It's been over a year since I last posted on this blog, and my oh my what a year it has been. 

This is a post to let you know that I'm still alive, that I'm gonna start posting weekly, and to update you on what a heck of a year it's been.

As promised, here is a (not so) short list of what's happened over the last year!

• I dropped out of NAU and had an existential crisis.
• I moved in with my parents for the summer and tried to figure everything out.
• I went to Disneyland with my best friend, Liberty, and it was the actual best.
• I spent the summer nannying for two adorable girls and helped their family move from one farm to another.
• I found my calling in life and decided to pursue culinary school.
• I joked with a friend about moving to Utah.
• I decided on July 18th, 2016 to move to Utah.
• My mom and stepdad FINALLY tied the knot on July 4, 2015 under the fireworks in San Diego with their best friends by their side. They facetimed us in.

• Liberty, found me a nice, furnished apartment to live in in Utah.
• I packed up my things less than a month after deciding to move, and moved to Utah on August 13th, 2015.

• I discovered that my apartment was not, in fact, furnished and I had no bed.
• I celebrated my birthday with Liberty by going to her cousin's wedding and eating In'n'Out with her amazing family.
• Liberty stayed with me for 2 weeks and we slept on piles of blankets on the floor.
• I made best friends with my favourite cousin's baby, Annie, and spent an absurd amount of time hanging out with Karli, Tucker, and Annie girl.

• Liberty moved to her apartment, and I continued to sleep on the floor for 2 months.
• I got a cool job, but only worked there for 2 months before the pressure of hating my job and some issues with anxiety got to me and I quit.
• I got a new job at a school and absolutely adored it. I'm still working here and I still love it.
• I spent as many weekends in Salt Lake dog sitting my friend Brittany's babies Noah and Mazie as I could possibly muster.

• I finally bought a bed and a dresser.
• I slept on a mattress for the first time in months, and man was that a good night.
• I made new friends.
• I lost old friends.
• I coped with overwhelming anxiety and used social media to connect with a community of people who deal with the same things that I do. 
• I played matchmaker.

• I went on some awful dates.
• I went on some not-so-awful dates.
• I cried.
• My paternal grandfather, my Opa, got diagnosed with Metastatic Melanoma, and I cried more.
• My dog turned 13, and the reality of her not being a around much longer set in. I cried some more.

• But more importantly I laughed.
• Karli and I stayed up far past our bedtimes on Halloween Eve sewing costumes and eating chocolate and laughing.

• A girl in sacrament meeting told the story of the time she basically kidnapped a homeless man in a wheelchair, and I laughed at the absurdity of the situation.
• I drove from Utah to Arizona for Christmas with a car full of strangers. We became fast friends and we laughed.
• I stayed up way too late with two of my favorite people in the world watching videos on Youtube and laughing until my stomach hurt.

The last year of my life has been hard. It has been hard and exhausting and there were times when I didn't think I would make it through. But I am here and I can say that even though it sucked a lot of the time, I laughed. In fact, I laughed until I cried. 

I enjoy the view.

To understand how I have been feeling lately, you should first watch this video. It is a piece of performance poetry written AND performed by one of my favourite Youtubers, Dottie. 

Take 3 minutes to watch, and then come back and read some more.

I was lucky enough to be raised by parents who empowered me and made me feel that my opinions, thoughts, and feelings were important. Not everyone was raised this way, and I understand how lucky I am to have grown up with so many strong, powerful female role models. 

At this point, you're probably asking yourself what this has to do with the video that I demanded you watch before you read more of what I have to say. I'll tell you. 

Every time I come home for a holiday or visit after I've been away at college for a while, I find myself being asked OVER and OVER again by all manner of relatives and non-relatives, "So are you dating anyone?" "Is there a special someone in your life?" "Have you found your college sweetheart yet?"

While I understand that love is a human experience and that it's something that once we've experienced, we want to share with others, I want to share a thought.

I am not spending nearly $100,000 and staying up all night writing papers to fall in love.

I did not move to another city to fall in love.

I am not spending the time that I am at school pining for someone to love me.

I am not majoring in falling in love and getting married.

I have been in love twice in my life, and for an 18 year old girl, I consider myself lucky for that. Both of those experiences were like nothing that has ever happened to me before. And I look forward to finding that again one day because I enjoy the feeling of loving and being loved. But my journey in life is not solely about finding love. 

Dottie says in her video, "What we weren't told is that we don't need another human to carry our fragile bones as we scale mountains - that we are stronger than armies. All I want is to walk the rivers of this earth with my favourite person by my side - not because I need them, but because I want them next to me as I reach for another branch."

I am a whole person. I am complete on my own. My journey in life is not about finding true love. It is not about getting married and settling down. It is about skidding onto the runway with worn out landing gear and thinking to myself "Man, that was some ride." 

If I find true love on my journey, that's an added bonus, and I'll keep you posted.

But like Dottie says

"When you get lost in the wilderness you are instructed to climb the nearest tree in search for a sign of humanity. In my young mind, I know the aim of my climb isn't to find another person. It's to see the view."

So far, I love the view. And I'm nowhere near finished climbing.

Courage and Unconditional Love

It takes courage to be yourself. 

It takes courage to wake up in the morning and choose to expose yourself to hurtful judgement.

It takes courage to stand up for yourself in the face of adversity.

It takes courage to defend your beliefs. 

It takes courage to admit that you may have been wrong.

It takes courage to apologize.

It takes courage to share your secrets.

It takes courage to be kind to people who have been unkind to you.

Life takes courage.

So why do we discourage one another?

Sure, there are bad people in the world. But there are also a whole lot of good ones. There are INFINITELY more people in the world trying to do and encourage good than there are people doing and encouraging bad. 

So why is is that we are often unkind to those who are doing the best that they can in a different way than we are? If we are all doing our very best, the only thing that we should be doing to one another is encouraging. 

I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who love and accept me even though I choose not to participate in something that they hold very close to their hearts. Absolutely the people who love me enough to let me make my own choices and mistakes encourage me to participate in the things that make them happy. I do the exact same thing! I happen to really love red lipstick, Crayola crayons, and snuggling, so I encourage the people I love to try those things because they make me so happy. But if the people I love choose not to, that's okay too. 

Love is something that is, in my opinion, unconditional. That has been my experience, anyway. And just like I said before, I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people who love and accept me even though we don't share the same beliefs.

Courage and unconditional love are the main ideas behind this blog post which is why I'm about to share something with the internet. I hope that I'll be met with respect and unconditional love, but I know that that may not be the case. 

I'm bisexual. 

Let me explain that a little further. I am attracted to both men and women. This doesn't mean that I'm attracted to any of my female friends. This just means that I don't look at a person's gender when I'm looking at a potential relationship. 

I hope that you all understand that I am literally the exact same person that I was the last time I talked to each one of you. I understand that this is hard news for a lot of people to swallow. I understand that a blog post may be viewed as the best medium for coming out to a very large group of strongly opinionated but lovely internet people. 

But I also hope that you all understand that coming out is as hard and scary for the person coming out as it is for the person that is having someone come out to them. 

I hope that the courage that it took me to share something intimate about myself with you encourages you to be a little more accepting of those who you may not understand or agree with. 

Being yourself takes courage. And I hope that you can have the courage to be yourself as well.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to email me at my email address which you can find by clicking here. 

You can also contact me on Facebook or on my cell phone at (480) 356-2121.

Be kind to one another. I love you all.

Becoming a Functioning Adult: Even More Difficult Than It Sounds

I have been in college for 92 days. Never mind the fact that I just had to stop and count actual individual days instead of just adding the number of days in each month since I got here. That is irrelevant. What is relevant is that in the 92 days that I have been living in the absolutely lovely mountain town of Flagstaff, Arizona and going to NAU (GO JACKS), I have learned a number of things. 

This isn't what the uni's sign looks like right now. But it will be soon!

Below, I will provide you a comprehensive list of important things to know about going to college.

• If you do not own good headphones, BUY SOME. Sometimes it's nice to just plug in to some mindless music and avoid responsibility for a few hours.
• Promising yourself that you will do your homework later is not a good idea. You think you're feeling unmotivated now? You just wait until 3 hours later when you've woken up from a nap in the one patch of sunlight on the floor in your room. THEN you will feel what real lack of motivation is.
• Keeping your room clean is a whole lot easier to do when you're living with someone who doesn't know that nearly every day at home your mom would say to you "You live like a homeless person, PLEASE clean your room."
• Living in a 12x19 box isn't going to be the best thing that's ever happened to you, especially if you have incredibly loud, inconsiderate neighbors like we do. THANKS GUYS

This is our room at night. It's kinda nice with the Christmas lights. Also S/O to sleeping Lindsey in her bed because she has lab at 7am tomorrow. Poor girl.

• Your roommate is going to be the person who listens to you when you cry about the silliest, most trivial things. Be nice to her. She will quickly learn all of your secrets. 
• Having a random roommate just might be the best thing that could have happened to you. I know that this is not always the case, but my roommate and I have become close friends and living together has becomes more of a blessing and less of a chore every day.
• Money gets spent quickly. Only buy the things that you NEED and give yourself a monthly fun budget. Don't be me and end up with $6.50 in your bank account halfway through the semester. 
• Long distance friendships are hard. But it's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder.I have grown to love my best friend even more than I did before we both left for college, and I didn't think  that that was possible. The important thing is that you communicate your needs to one another and understand that you both need to lead your own lives and talk when you both have time. Truly great friendships don't just fall apart because you're not texting 24/7. 
  
  Heaven knows I wouldn't survive without this girl.

• GO TO YOUR CLASSES. Like really. Just because attendance doesn't count for points doesn't mean you shouldn't go.
• Be kind to everyone. Just like in the rest of life, everyone is going through crap. You never know what is going on in the life of the girl who just pushed you out of the way to get on the bus. Assume the best of people and that is what you will usually find.
• There's nothing like my mother's cooking. University food gets real old real fast.

Above all else, I have learned that it is so so important to put yourself first. Over the past few weeks especially, a very special friend of mine has helped me to recognize the importance of helping myself before I help others. I have learned to love spending time with myself. I have learned that before I can do anything for anyone else, I have to make sure that I am taken care of.

Bottom line, college is an experience. And it's an experience that I think everyone should have.

Be nice to each other. We need more of that in the world.

Mentally I'm Still Stuck in the Second Grade

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN AS ONE OF MY COLLEGE ADMITTANCE ESSAYS AND HAS BEEN REWORKED TO FIT THE BLOG'S VOICE.

In the second grade, I attended Benjamin Franklin Elementary School East Campus in Mesa, Arizona, pictured below.

Beautiful. I know.

Since then, not much has changed. I'm still in the same town with the same kids with the same names who live in the same houses and carry the same sack lunches with the same goldfish crackers and sandwiches and cute notes from their moms. The funny thing is, I don't care for the sameness of this city with its kids and their goldfish crackers and their mom notes.

(I have nothing against goldfish crackers. It's just part of the imagery. Move on.)

Second grade is the first time I remember realizing, however faintly, how much I sincerely disliked the "sameness" of everything around me. Mrs. Aradondo was the name of my teacher. She seemed pretty okay to me at the time (or maybe I just liked her because she had a bunny. That was probably it.) I rather enjoyed her company until one day, I ended up with the wrong phonics worksheet. Instead of sending me home with the correct worksheet like a rational person because it wasn't my fault that I had the wrong one, she kept me in at recess. When I say she kept me in at recess I mean that she made me sit in the breezeway outside of room 26  where I could watch all of the other kids playing. As I sat with puffy red eyes, watching the other kids play while I cried melodramatically over my worksheet, I watched the girls with curled blonde hair, blue eyes, and white sneakers laugh and play. Self consciously, I looked down at my own pink and black sneakers, felt my own brown hair smoothed back into its tight ponytail and thought about my green eyes and freckles. I was different.

I was different. But I was goddamn adorable. That's for sure.

Looking back now, I realize that my emotions could not have been nearly as deep as I recall. But I wish that I could wrap my arms around my tiny, freckled, second-grade self and tell her that the ultimate "sameness" of everything around her was safe for now, that eventually she would see that "sameness" is/was not part of who she would grow to become.

That little girl in my past has become such a large part of who I am today. Physically, I am no longer wearing pink and black sneakers, and my freckles are, for the most part, gone. I've turned out to be a rather attractive person by all accounts of the the word. 

I mean LOOK AT THAT BEAUTY.

But emotionally, mentally, religiously, and morally, I am different than the sameness that surrounds me. There are still days when I feel afraid of being the black sheep in a community of white sheep who avoid my company, and some days it takes everything I have to get out of bed and face the people who have made the past 4 years of my life pretty miserable. But I have come to realize that while sameness is safe for now, I have bigger, more exciting things waiting for me and my differences. 

Mentally I am still stuck in the second grade.

And that is an okay thing to be.

I. Am. Pathetic.

Woah.. Some title for an entry in the "I Can't Get Over My Stupid Ex-Boyfriend" chronicles, huh? Yeah.. That's a thing. We'll talk about that in another post.

So back to the reason behind the title of this post. There seems to be this ideal that is fed to teenage girls (and women in general) that says:

"To get over your stupid ex, eliminate all signs of them in your life. Sever communication with them and friends you made/had as a couple. Delete them from your life entirely and it won't be a problem. You'll move on in no time. No biggy. Whatever."

WRONG.

I tried getting rid of everything! His t-shirt, his headphones, the texts on my phone from him, the couple of phone messages that I had left of him telling me he missed me and saying "Remember. I really really like you." He said that a lot, you know. "No matter what else, remember that I really like you." or "Hey beautiful girl, remember that I really like you." 

Please excuse me while I reminisce for a moment.

Okay. I'm finished. I tried to get rid of everything. (keep in mind that when I say I got rid of everything, it means that I put it in a box in my closet. I know. I'm bad at hard things.) Okay.  So I got all of his things back out because I was worse off without his stuff than I was with it. It has been a month since all of this happened, which leads to why I'm pathetic.

Ready for this?

I don't think you are.

Oh well. I'm going to tell you anyway.

I STILL SLEEP IN HIS SHIRT.

Boom. There it is. The cold, hard truth. That is why I am pathetic. It's not that I don't WANT to get over it. I do! There is nothing I want more than to sit down with him as one of my good friends again. 

So my question to you, my lovely readers, is this:

What helps you move on after a bad breakup?

Do you eat a gallon of your favorite ice cream? Do you watch Gilmore Girls and cry like a little girl while you watch Rory and Dean be in love? Or are you like me and you just wear your ex's t-shirt to bed and feel all twist and upside-down inside? TELL ME. I am willing to try ANYTHING. We can work through it together.

-Nikki

ps. If you ever need someone to talk to, my email is listed here. I'm here if you need someone to listen.